I thought I’d have a “real” career by now. I was so sure that I would be one of those people who was really good at their job. You know, someone who excelled at everything, a big shot in whatever field I ended up in. I have a job somewhat in my field of study, but I’m far from being a big shot. I’m far from being a slight success. I guess I should be happy I have a job in this economy, but I still feel closer to a lost failure. I need to stop whining and self-loathing! I know that! I just hate feeling like I’ve fallen so short of what could have been. Is the grass really greener on the other side? I just want a job that makes me feel satisfied, needed, and worth something. I don’t have to make a lot of money. I’d like to make enough, but I want to do something I enjoy and feel like I can excel at. I hate feeling stuck and worthless. Looking on Facebook and LinkedIn and seeing former classmates’ prestigious job titles and Fortune 500 companies they work for depresses me. I wish I knew what I really wanted to do with my life. I should know by now. Right?
it isn’t always gross and smoggy in LA. We do get beautiful sunrises and sunny blue sky mornings
I miss 19. I miss being able to be naïve and ignorant to the future and it was acceptable. There are so many paths I would have taken rather than the ones I did. What was I thinking? What are any of us thinking? I still listen to the same music I did at 19. It brings me back, helps me remember me when I wasn’t so preoccupied by bills, planning retirement savings, and all that grown up bullshit that sucks the spirit out of us. I’m glad I went a little a crazy in my early twenties because right now I feel I am conventionally boring.
I never really understood grown ups when they talked about talked sentimental about their poor pasts or times of struggle until today. There are many poor pasts I have that I don’t look back with fondness, but there is one I’m reminscing tonight… bringing my puppy home for the first time to a dive apartment in a city I lived in for about 8 months. I wasn’t extendedly happy during that time period, but I glowed that night as if she were my own baby.
I usually look back on those 8 months bitter and annoyed. I moved their for a job and ended up with a boss who sexually harrassed me. I blew my credit score for the next five years purchasing food and booze on cards I should have never applied for. My boyfriend and I fought about money and decisions constantly.
That puppy brought us a bit of joy that gives me a big enough reason to look back at that horrible time and wish I could relive it.
I thought moving out of the midwest would make me happy, but I’m not much happier. It sounds lame but making friends in your mid- twenties is hard! It sucks to find people to hang out with. I use to write and blog a lot. It use to make me feel something and now it seems i avoid it. I’m not sure why.
I started my new job about two weeks ago. As with every new job, new place, I stay in the corner waiting for that look, whisper, and judgement. I hate it. I hate not knowing when that moment of realization of my past - putting the two together, my face with that girl in porn - will hit the entire room, the entire workplace. I don’t know if I can handle another firing over my past.
They took my picture for their website portfolio of staff yesterday. I fought it, but in the end they won. I didn’t have a good enough reason that I could say out loud for them not blasting my photo on the web. Funny a bit considering more than just my face is blasted all over the Internet. I’m scared for when the photo goes live. I’m sure some douchebag will recognize me and say something just like in all my other experiences at work. Shit, there have been so many jobs. I’m so sick of job jumping. I just want to excel at one place for awhile.
Well I’ll let you know if anyone says anything this week or if somehow I can keep that photo from going live. I just want to be normal for awhile not worry about this stuff.
I remember driving down Sunset Blvd when this song came on. We gave each other a look that signaled this was a song to roll the windows down to. He cranked the volume and it was a smooth blast. He was in the industry with me. A good friend that I fell for… hard. The wind tickled my neck as we drove with no destination or care, and I remember thinking, while this song played, that he was worth the crappy part of my existence in porn. I didn’t know what I was doing, but he made me feel like I had a friend throughout it. I miss him.
I’m moving. I’m finally getting out of the cornfields and into the mountains. California is still my No.1, but the mountains are second so I’ll take that with an exhale of relief. To be honest, I’d have moved almost anywhere - anyway to get out, but I’m thankful I’ll be out of the midwest. I need a break from the closed minds and fake hearts.